Wednesday, July 24, 2013

getting lost in the miles

Ok, ok. Yesterday morning I sat down with my coffee fully prepared to disclose my weekend adventures, when I just lost interest and got sucked into work. Work that I really should have been working on weeks ago, but lost interest in that as well.

I’ve been going through a bit of a rut for a while now. Issues in my relationship, feeling not whole as a person, and combating with what feels right to continue with in my life. So, naturally I did what I always do when I feel bogged down and lost, I got in a car (a rental, my car would have fallen apart 20 miles into the adventure) and drove back to New York. I can’t remember the last time I visited with my family, and the day before it was my mom’s birthday. Off I went!

I had almost completely forgotten how recharging it is to me to drive for miles on end. To open the windows, sing along to songs on the radio, and lose myself in the journey.

I planned it so my brother drove up from where he lives as well to surprise my mom. It’s usually my way of doing things, I tell very few people I’m coming into town and surprise my family. It worked. We had dinner and general tomfoolery that comes with getting together. I spent just enough time with them to qualify it as quality time, but not enough to drive me crazy.

Later that night I went to see one of my (used to be) closest friends. I hadn’t seen him in 3 ½ years. We had a huge falling out, which took years to mend. We went out for a few drinks and tried to catch up as best we could. It was heart wrenching, and I’m still working out the feeling of what we had lost that can’t quite be fixed. It’s never easy to realize a close friendship is broken.

On the drive back home I multi-tasked between crying, singing along to 90’s pop songs, and indulging in fast food French fries.

Monday night turned into a long relationship talk with the girlfriend. I’m still reeling from all the emotional exhaustion I’ve felt for the past few days, and mostly just want to keep myself busy so I don’t think about any of it. I'm terrible when it comes to letting emotions sink in. I even ordered checks yesterday. Checks, like from a bank. From a miserable woman that couldn’t stop chewing on her mouth, might I add.

I’m trying to move towards the beginning of August with a new found sense of clarity and realization. Trying to find my footing, and push forward in my goals, not letting anything get in my way while also finding the right decision on matters that may be hard.

In a slightly lighthearted turn of events, I’ve scheduled my next tattoo appointment tomorrow. I’ve already been plunged headfirst into work, and need to really start prioritizing what keeps me sane. Going 8 weeks between having a full day off is not one of those things.


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