goodbyes are better left unsaid

I originally had planned to write about my weekend, and the few little things I did during it. But something happened that put me a bit off course.

Over the past year my dog Sophia had been battling a heart condition. She had bouts of heart failure landing her in the ICU for weekends at a time, she had good days, and she had bad days.

Her good days always outweighed the bad days, and we always secretly dreaded the day when that would switch. Her cardiologist was always baffled at how she just kept on going, and her kidney values (while we always expected them to plummet drastically since she was maxed out on diuretics) never went below “good”, they even got better the past 3 weeks.

She passed away suddenly Sunday night.

Saturday evening she was running around, begging for our food, and doing her usual. Before bedtime she started to have a bad spell, so I did what we’d always do. Put her in her bed, and try to keep her calm until she felt better.

Sunday came around and her breathing rate had not decreased so we decided to take her to the ER again. I stopped being able to emotionally handle taking her to the specialty care facility she’d been going to, so Kh got ready and took her.

 

That morning looking into her eyes I knew I wouldn’t see her again. I kissed her bald spot and whispered I loved her.

We’d been prepared for this for 11 months now. Since her original diagnosis we knew it was fatal. It gave me time to go through every stage of grief. I was outraged, I was hopelessly pleading with the stars to make it not true, and I cried. A lot.

I’d tell her I loved her every night, and on the nights she was having a bad go of things I told her it was ok for her to go whenever she was ready. And I knew looking in her eyes Sunday morning that she was ready.

Steadily over the past year she’d been having increase, after increase of her medication. Anywhere from every 8 hours, to every 12 hours apart. She had 5 separate medications she was on, totaling 9 pills in the morning, 3 ½ in the afternoon, 5 at night, and 3 ½ again around midnight. Every day, for 11 months.

We planned any and all of our social outings on when she needed her medication. We didn’t take trips because we didn’t trust anyone to take care of her. We catered to every single whim she could have had, and in my heart I know we took care of her to the absolute best of our ability. I wouldn’t change any of it, not even the slightest thing.

Sunday night I had a headache I couldn’t shake, and I couldn’t focus. We went out to dinner with a couple of friends to try and take our minds off everything.

I see the number to the hospital show up on my phone, I give it to Kh and she runs outside to answer it. A couple of seconds later she comes back in and signals for me to come out with her. She tells me Sophia’s heart had stopped and they want to give her a shot to make sure it won’t start again. We give the ok.

I gather my things and leave the bar. We walk home almost in a trance, shedding a few tears talking about her.

She went out the same way she lived her life, on her terms. She was the most stubborn, intelligent dog I’ve ever known. Through her I learned what it was like to care for someone more than yourself. I’m so very thankful I was able to spend her life with her, and experience what an amazing being she was.

It’s hard not to feel her absence every second of the day. We go through bouts of crying for an hour straight, to keeping it together for a few more hours. The mornings and nights are especially hard. We’re still leaving the bedroom door open for her and expecting to hear her tiptap around the bedroom at night.

I knew this day would come, as death takes us all, and I’m so thankful I was able to spend 11 more months with her. She’s left a hole in my heart that’ll never fully close.

You’ll be missed, my little peefoot. 

 xo

Currently :: two.nineteen.fourteen

Loving ://: The fact Kh just came into the room with another beer, handed it to me and said “This is your 4^th, just so you know.” Ok, so she’s not lying, I have been drinking for the past 3 hours, but it’s not like I’m doing keg stands in my living room. And I’m pretty much in my pajamas.. 

Also.. It’s Corona Light. I’m not going all 4 Guinness deep here. 

Other things I'm loving: my new shirt from Flunklife on Etsy. Leftover Christmas money spending sprees. Beating that level on Candy Crush I've been stuck on for weeks. Late afternoon naps. Honey mustard curry shrimp I made for dinner.

Not Loving So Much ://: The constant construction in the apartment below me is causing all the dust, paint fumes, and anything else that’s happening down there to get blown right up my heating vents into my apartment. It’s leaving a never-ending layer of dust on everything. I do mean absolutely everything. It’s driving me insane. And slowly causing my sinus issues to come back. For shits sake, enough.

Hating ://: Winter. Quite seriously. My seasonal depression is kicking in full swing. I hate the giant mounds of ever blackening snow, the slushy ice on the sidewalks that NO ONE seems to want to take responsibility for clearing away, and the never ending trail of salt that’s been tracked into my house.

Not to mention the fact I don’t ever want to leave my house once I’m inside. Going out to dinner? That means I have to find parking and walk out in this sludge again. No thanks. Goodbye any social life I may have been cultivating in the fall.

Other things on this list: people that call dibs on parking spots they never cleared in the first place. Dealing with clients. The Walking Dead season 4 not being FREE yet. 

Crop tops.

Oh.. and flower crowns. Because.. why?

Looking Forward To ://: My birthday’s next month, and while I really can’t stand my birthday, I’m planning on having a get together where some of my favorite people will hopefully come out for it. The most important of which is my bf from NYC. 

My newest etsy orders of customized perfumes to get here. 

I’m also really looking forward to bed, apparently.

Oh, and my tattoo appointment on Friday.

xo

i’ve been guided to the lightness of your touch and the quiet of your love

Oh, hi.

I'm pretty much the worst when it comes to Valentines Day. 

I always try and talk Kh out of doing something for Valentines Day.  It’s a bunch of confectionery sugar loaded crap in a heart shaped pattern. I’ve never been a big fan of it, so I’d rather gift her chocolate and love her every day of the year, except yesterday. She gets a disappointed look on her face and I feel like a jerk.

So we end up celebrating it. This year she nailed it, and will probably never be able to outdo herself. She got me a crystal ball, complete with a small wooden stand. It’s legit, and I’m obsessed. I couldn’t get a good picture of it so use your imagination.

We went to see Mortified with a couple of friends, and then went to our favorite local bar. It was low key and I was home by midnight. 

At least today we stopped by the store and grabbed some after Valentines Day candy. Although they were completely out of heart shaped Reese's.. 

 Three of those things didn't even make it until 8pm tonight.

Earlier in the week I was put in charge of making an appointment for my best friends little sister to get her first tattoo. I, naturally, took them to my tattoo artist. I’m not a big fan of traveling in packs to things like that, and between all of us there were 4 girls. My limit is generally one or flying solo. But it was a good time. My artist took great care of them, and I got to finally make my next appointment while we were there.

Afterwards we went out to eat, so it was pretty much the most eventful thing that happened to me all week. Last night not included.

Generally my life's been uneventful and not even remotely worthy of reporting on. Aside from work, work and a bit more work it’s been snowing like a bastard here lately. We get at least one-two snowstorms a week, and it feels like Winter is never-ending.

I once mentioned how I’ve never been one of those girls that can pull off the elements very well. And eh lately isn’t an exception. I generally don’t even try to do my hair unless I’m not working.

As I type this we’re getting pummeled with another snowstorm, and I’m really excited to be snowed in for another day. I get to try out a different pajama ensemble, break in a new spot on my couch, and find new excuses as to why I should fill my time with work.

Oh yeah, snowy Sunday, bring it on. 

xo

shake the ghosts off nightly, or rather my January

You see those? Yeah, those horse sized pills. Those would be the antibiotics I was on for the sinus infection that had been kicking me in the face. From the inside.

That was before my face swelled and I stopped putting mascara on. My eye almost swelled shut. It was intense..

I’ve been sick, in one way or another, for somewhere close to 12 weeks now. There’s nothing worse to me than feeling like a stranger in my own body. I don’t need to describe what being sick feels like,  as we’ve all been there.

January as a whole was pretty uneventful and crappy. I’ve spent the better part of the past year trying to catch up and learning how to incorporate “me” time into my new life. It’s really difficult when you don’t have a separation between home and work. I’m hoping I’ve finally gotten a handle on it and can enjoy more.. me things.

If I even remember what those are anymore. When you go so long depriving yourself of things that used to define you, where do you start rewriting the definition?

My younger brother came to visit in early January. It was a welcomed reprieve for my usual day-to-day life, since I don’t have family that lives close by.

We got a chance to have lunch together, just the two of us. It was really nice getting to commiserate with someone who knows what it’s like having the family that we do, and generally the same feelings towards life as I do. We have the same sense of humor, and Kh sure does put up with it when he’s here. She even said she missed him when he left. The cutest.

I decided that since I’m a grown up, I should be allowed to buy myself little prizes here and there. (As a side note, I use this excuse often. Making pancakes for dinner? Why yes, because I’m a grown up..)  I had been lusting after this mini cauldron incense burner I found, and finally bought it. While I do live very close to, and visit Salem quite often, I was some how moved to buy these things online. I was a bit bummed when I opened the package and random herbs that had been thrown into the package fell all over my table making a huge mess. The shipping was also astronomical, $5 more than what the postage had stated on the box.

But to make up for it I’m in the process of window-shopping online with the intent to buy new boots. Oh sedate these shopping demons! One of my Christmas presents from Kh ended up falling through so she's given me a spending limit to have my own shopping spree. I'm spoiled.

What else? 

My hairs getting really long and bothering me. 

My birthday is creeping oh so close. Stay away, please?

I’m behind the rest of the world and just finished watching all of Dexter. I was a bit saddened by the end. I think they lost steam and crapped out just to finally end it.

I also got caught up on Dracula, because gosh do I ever love Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Kh calls him my gay face boyfriend, and I’m quite ok with that. Suck me dry any day Mr. Grayson.

Ok, ok before this heads south. I’m going to try and update more frequently, but absolutely no promises are being made from me to the oblivion of internet land.

Hugs and slimy slugs,