My least favorite, and by far the
most awkward part of my job, is the client consultations. It’s one of those
necessary evils. If I want new clients, I have to make time to meet said new
clients.
And meeting said clients takes
place in their homes, with just me and them in attendance. Kh refuses to go with me, I can't blame her. These things suck. I thankfully have only had
one instance where I felt incredibly uncomfortable. For the most part, I just see a lot of dirty houses,
clutter, or meticulously cleaned apartments.
Last night I had my first crotch
shot.
Ok let me back track. I scheduled a
client consultation for 6:30pm. I spent the better half of my afternoon with
the time 5:30 stuck in my head, boy was I heart broken when I realized I can’t
keep track of shit and I was way off.
We had a heavy downpour just as I’m
walking out to my car. I get in, look at my directions once more and then drive
off. All the while sheets of rain are pouring down on my windshield, the wet
spots on my jeans are now cold in the warm air from my car.
I arrive just outside the woman’s
apartment 20 minutes early. I call my mom and chat with her about absolutely
nothing until I can head inside.
I ring the doorbell and hear
footsteps coming down the entryway staircase. A tall, slender woman in her
mid-30’s greets me. She’s wearing a red dress that’s tight on top, flowy on the
bottom and a belt that can’t seem to get tight enough around her tiny waist.
She’s wearing sandal wedges, which helps her be at least 5” taller than me.
I greet her politely and shake her
hand. She heads up the stairs first, thankfully. I hate it when I have to
navigate my way to a place I’ve never been before.
We go on a hunt to find both of the
cats. One of them is lying in her room on her blindingly white bed. I have to
step over piles of clothes and shoes to get to the cats. I wasn’t prepared for
an obstacle course. We stand there awkwardly chatting, me trying to ignore the
giant mosquito netting she has hanging above her bed, until I finally push the
meeting along and ask to see the rest of their stuff.
Fast forward to us in the kitchen.
She drops the bomb that I need to visit twice a day and one of the cats needs
medication. It’s always something, and people don’t like to tell you
beforehand.
I have a lot of experience
administrating medications to pets, but she decides to show me how the cat
takes his pill. She puts the pill inside a ‘pill shooter’ and kneels down to
try and coax him over.
So here’s the mental image. The
tall sinewy woman in her flowy red dress, kneeling, no, squatting, with her
butt touching the backs of her heels. Her legs are close together as she
continues to try and talk this cat into coming closer to her.
The next several of minutes go down
like this.
The cat slowly starts to saunter
over to her, all the while her legs spread farther apart. Soon she has the cat
facing me between her legs, with her legs wide open. The red flowy dress is not
helping her in this situation, as it’s caught on her knees.
The cats face is directly blocking
my view of her crotch. I don’t think she has underwear on.
My first instinct is to stand up
and start looking at something else.
My second instinct is to see if she
actually has underwear on.
I go with my second instinct. I
shift my focus back and am completely relieved to see she has peach colored
underwear on. Ok, slightly less awkward.
I stand up and try to make talking
to her as painless as possible. I try to make sure my expression doesn’t convey
“Ok lady I just saw your pantie crotch shot.”
She shows me how to use a set of
keys, and I make a b-line for the door.
The monthly award for most awkward
client consultation goes to this one.
xo
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