our new family member

Since it seems like we're completely snowed in here in Massachusetts, I might as well finally do a post about our newest family member.

In February of 2014 my dog Sophia passed away from heart failure. It was sudden, but yet expected. It's been almost a year now, and there isn't a single day where my heart doesn't hurt for her. I think about her constantly and still have my moments of tearing up when I find a toy she liked or a sweater she used to wear.

After a week of being without her, the house just didn't feel the same. Everyone was quiet and a hushed sadness could be felt in the air. Even our other dog Lucy was exceptionally mopey. It's then that we made the decision to adopt another dog. Two things we wanted, a small breed chihuahua and a rescue.

After searching petfinder.com I found a few favorites, but really loved this tiny black creature of a dog. And her name? Ruby Elf.

I contacted the foster mom and she immediately took to us. We scheduled a meeting and made the hour and a half drive into New Hampshire to meet everyone, bringing Lucy along as well.

When we first walked into the home, a tiny black ball of crazy started barking at us from the couch. She was about 3 1/2 lbs, which the foster mom informed us she had gained a pound recently, and was just the smallest thing. We sat on the couch for a couple of hours getting her used to us and seeing how Lucy took to her. Kh originally had hesitations about a wiry haired weird looking dog, but once Ruby started biting on her buttons, she was hooked.

We got rather pushy after the first meeting and had the home visit scheduled just a few days later. In less than a week she was all ours!

Our first order of business? Changing her name. We immediately renamed her to Gracie Mae. She was so small at first we had to wait until she got much older and put on some weight to get her spayed.

I'm such a huge advocate for rescuing a dog, or rescuing any animal. Adopting both enriches your life and saves the life of an animal. The rescue association we went through is Friends of Homeless Animals, based in Rhode Island. They are a completely volunteer based organization that relies on fosters coming together to help find homes for small breed dogs. I loved the organization so much I started volunteering for them, and have done many home visits to help potential adopters bring a dog into their home.

(Gracie, Dragon(sister), and Lola(mom)) 

Over the summer, the other families that adopted Gracie's sisters and mother all got together for a little family reunion in Rhode Island. It was such an amazing experience to be apart of. I felt slightly out of place, the two tattooed lesbians from Boston rolling up on a suburban hetero get together. Gracie was a bit hesitant and preferred to sit on our laps or go to the nearest person with a treat. But it was so great to see the different parts of Gracie's personality that all came together. Her mother had the exact same fur patterns and wiry hair. She was also the sweetest little love.

Her favorite activity all rolled into one! Napping and annoying her sister dog Lucy. 

She's the absolute sweetest pumpkin, with a bit of attitude all rolled into one. You can see the gray mohawk she's recently started sporting. We aren't sure where that came from, but it's quite suiting to her personality. October she celebrated her first birthday, so we aren't looking at an elderly gal here.

We're so happy to have her as part of the family. Now if only I could talk Kh into letting me get another chihuahua.. Chihuahua pack here I come!

xoxo

currently: january twenty six two thousand fifteen

[ recent photos from a random photoshoot ]

I seemed to have forgotten to even do a simple post letting the wastelands of cyberspace know what I've been up to. I won't even say lately, as it's been 9 months since I've even posted something remotely like this. Yeah yeah, I suck at this. Life has given me the run around, and I so very easily get trapped inside my own head.

It also doesn't help that I go through periods of being extremely.. introverted and private. At my peak moments, I get weird about even telling someone what I had for breakfast the day before, for fear of them intruding on my life.

But anyways.

Currently.

loving :: 

We're getting hit with quite the snow storm. The streets are all getting dusted with snow, making everything seem brighter yet some how quieter. It's the first real big storm of the season, and due to it all the roads are closed tomorrow and I get an impromptu day off.

A day during the week where I can sit in my pajamas, eat cold pizza for breakfast and take a nap by 1pm? Yeah, I'm loving this idea.

hating :: 

I came down with a cold the beginning of January, and well I still have it.  I don't feel any better, and I don't particularly feel like it's gotten worse. It's just.. there. To stay it would seem. I get winded walking up stairs, I can't talk for more than a sentence or two before I run out of breathe, and this cough? Just shoot me.

reading ::

Special Agent by Candice DeLong

Bad Feminist: Essays 

eating ::

When I got home from work my brother and I went to the store and got $50 worth of beer, and had $50 worth of pizza, wings, and french fries delivered. So, bring on this storm and the leftovers I'll have tomorrow. 

looking forward to :: 

 Sleeping in tomorrow and my first cup of coffee. Those few moments in the morning when I'm getting settled in and take my first sip of coffee.. I can't think of anything better.

Well, maybe that second your head hits your pillow at night right before sleep takes over. That's pretty damn great too.

xo

2015: looking forward

Whenever a new year starts, I always make the decision to forfeit any idea of making a resolution and to instead focus on mini goals. Goals that perhaps I wasn't able to accomplish the year before, or just small things I'd like to do more of.

Since the start of January snuck up on me rather quickly, I haven't had much time to think of my personal goals. My business plans and goals for the upcoming year? I've had those squared away for some time now.

Which, ultimately, brings me to the number one personal goal I need to have this year.

Take more time out for myself

This past year I have barely traveled, I haven't finished an entire book, or even so much as kept up with blog postings. I essentially said fuck off to my own needs and solely focused on the needs of my business. I know part of it was needed to stay on top of running a successful business, especially in it's second year, but I'm really no good to myself or my business if I'm burnt out. Which I am ten fold.

I'm hoping this year I can focus on taking time out for myself and putting more energy into creative endeavors.

A new recipe a week 

I've put together a little recipe book and I'm really hoping to try at least a new recipe a week. Kh got me Thug Kitchen cookbook for Christmas, and I have successfully marked almost every page with a recipe I want to try. My pinterest is always overflowing with new recipes to try.

Try a new restaurant a month, go on more date nights, spend quality time with Kh

This is kind of a big duh after the first one. I've focused too much energy into work and not enough into my relationship. I'm a firm believer in taking care of yourself before being able to really nourish any other relationships in your life. 

A few other smaller goals?

* Grow my damn hair out (again) - I've got hair goals and they look something like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. The first step of that is I finally dyed my hair back to red. I'm a natural red head so it's not THAT crazy to be a red head. I just haven't had red hair in probably 5 years or more.

* Read a book a month - I've been working on the same book for about 6 months now. Yeah...
* Push myself to model more - With new people. I'm always happiest when I'm producing more work.
* Save more money and spend more money on myself - Hey, I work hard. I should be able to indulge in a new shirt or new shoes once in a while.
* Get the fuck out of town more often, including taking days off work - This is a biggy. We're going back to NYC in February (you guessed it, to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch). I'm only hoping the weather isn't freezing and our hotel room has a bathtub. However NYC is freezing in February and a bathtub is wishful thinking.

Ok, bring on 2015 and so long 2014!

xo
Stephanie Marie

2014: a quick recap

 

Every so often a year happens and I don’t even remember it happening. I guess 2014 can be summed up as that year for me. I know it happened, but there’s only a few things that stand out. 

The Good 

 

+ My business has taken on a life of its own and tripled since last year

+ I began modeling more

+ I got a new car

+ We adopted a new dog

+ Spent a holiday back home for the first time in years

+ I bought a new MacBook Pro (Yeeeahh) 

The In Between

 

+/- My brother moved in with us
+/- I went back to red hair

The Not So Good

 

- I didn’t take enough time out for myself or to enjoy little things like going to the movies

- My Sophia passed away

- My old car completely broke down

- I wasn’t able to travel nearly enough
- I didn’t make enough time to blog or run my etsy shop

- My mother’s health has been not so great

- I didn’t take many photos of my own

I’m thankful 2015 has been off to a great start, and I hope to continue it moving forward. I don’t ever make resolutions, but I do like to set myself up with a few goals to reach towards. My biggest goal being to take more time for myself. To take a step back, and round out my life other than work. I've become a workaholic, or rather, I've fed my workaholic nature for far too long and need to go down more creative endeavors. 

I'm hoping to have more of a voice here.. once again. 

Here's to starting a new year. 

xoxo

taking a bite out of the big apple

In mid June, Kh and I had a little weekend get away to the city that never sleeps. The big apple. We got in the Empire state of mind, if you will. Or rather we went to NYC. It was what NYC is usually like. Crowded, loud, but surprisingly not hot. We had an amazing change of luck and had 70 degree weather and sunny skies all weekend. I almost wept with joy.

The train ride down (yes we rode the train, I'm old). I read, while Kh decided to drink. I joined her, a little.

Waking up in a bed that wasn't mine in Manhattan was amazing. 

We took in some art at the MoMa, but mostly drank in the sculpture garden. 

I bought all the Lush products.. ever. 

We went to the Central Park Zoo.. I saw ducks and turtles.. 

Our whole reason for the trip.. Yes, it was amazing. Yes I'm in love. 

Overall, I'd say I need to get away more often. Not having to worry about waking up and taking care of other peoples pets or responding to emails in a timely fashion was just.. fannntastic. 

xoxo

i'm joining the carnival

Just recently one of my dear friends, and mild blog stalker, reminded me that she’s waiting with baited breathe for me to update my blog so she can begin stalking it again.

So in an effort to mostly keep her happy and give her something to read online, here is what I was up to last weekend.

This sort of-not really little town I live in had a carnival this past weekend. I drove by it every single day for a week while they set up, my excitement mounting with every ride secured into place, every midway game set up, and especially every food tent I saw being erected.

 

My close friend who visits every 6 weeks was in town and we used it as the perfect excuse to go. Because I’m an old grouchy lady that needs an excuse to have fun these days. 

 I didn't quite realize this until we were at the top of the Ferris Wheel, but this bitch is terrified of heights. Crippling to the point of having to stare at my phone or keep taking selfies to concentrate on anything but HOW DAMN HIGH WE WERE! I calmed myself when I realized I could look into the petting zoo cage that we had just left. Goats that look extra tiny from high up? Ok, I can deal.

They loved my cone. A couple of them felt like dirty pillows.

I didn't capture it on camera but Kris played a dart game and won our dogs a few chew toys. My favorite being Mr. Pickle.

And then we walked off into the sunset and ate pizza. The end. 

xo

currently :: may thirty first twenty fourteen

 I’m hoping if I start off with something as simple as what I’ve been up to, maybe the words will find me again and I’ll pay more attention to this corner of the blog world my ghost has inhabited. I also need to put something else up besides the passing of Sophia.

loving://:  

Kh is grocery shopping.. without me! I’m pretty much over the moon about this. I hate going grocery shopping, and I just slow her down so I might as well stay home.

The warm weather that’s made it’s way to us. No more snow and it’s not in the 90’s yet.

The new addition to our family. More on this later. Ekkkk!

Black maxi dress shopping. I will find the perfect one.. oh yes, I will! By one, I mean at least 3 for this summer. It’s my staple. My uniform.. I neeeed them!

not loving so much ://:

I’m pretty bummed that my Saturday is almost over with. My weekends are going by too fast. I really need to take some time off, and get away more often. I’m on the fence about how busy my company’s become in the past two months alone. I had to hire another contractor and have at least 4 consultations a week now.

How much I still miss Sophia. I still dream about her and imagine I see her out of the corner of my eye. My heart hurts.

Wayward friends only contacting me when they want advice/help with something, or it’s convenient for them.

The lack of air conditioning in my car.

hating ://:

Being woken up at 8am by more construction on the apartment below us. 4 months is long enough, I’m over it.

White pants.

Misogyny.  

looking forward to ://:  

We’re going to see Hedwig and The Angry Inch on Broadway in June! I’m so very much looking forward to this. We’re getting a hotel in Manhattan and spending a few days away from it all. I’m hoping my hotel room has a bathtub, that will just make it even more amazing.

Finishing my newest tattoo next Friday.

Let’s hope that will help with my updating more regularly. I have oh so very much to share.

xo

goodbyes are better left unsaid

I originally had planned to write about my weekend, and the few little things I did during it. But something happened that put me a bit off course.

Over the past year my dog Sophia had been battling a heart condition. She had bouts of heart failure landing her in the ICU for weekends at a time, she had good days, and she had bad days.

Her good days always outweighed the bad days, and we always secretly dreaded the day when that would switch. Her cardiologist was always baffled at how she just kept on going, and her kidney values (while we always expected them to plummet drastically since she was maxed out on diuretics) never went below “good”, they even got better the past 3 weeks.

She passed away suddenly Sunday night.

Saturday evening she was running around, begging for our food, and doing her usual. Before bedtime she started to have a bad spell, so I did what we’d always do. Put her in her bed, and try to keep her calm until she felt better.

Sunday came around and her breathing rate had not decreased so we decided to take her to the ER again. I stopped being able to emotionally handle taking her to the specialty care facility she’d been going to, so Kh got ready and took her.

 

That morning looking into her eyes I knew I wouldn’t see her again. I kissed her bald spot and whispered I loved her.

We’d been prepared for this for 11 months now. Since her original diagnosis we knew it was fatal. It gave me time to go through every stage of grief. I was outraged, I was hopelessly pleading with the stars to make it not true, and I cried. A lot.

I’d tell her I loved her every night, and on the nights she was having a bad go of things I told her it was ok for her to go whenever she was ready. And I knew looking in her eyes Sunday morning that she was ready.

Steadily over the past year she’d been having increase, after increase of her medication. Anywhere from every 8 hours, to every 12 hours apart. She had 5 separate medications she was on, totaling 9 pills in the morning, 3 ½ in the afternoon, 5 at night, and 3 ½ again around midnight. Every day, for 11 months.

We planned any and all of our social outings on when she needed her medication. We didn’t take trips because we didn’t trust anyone to take care of her. We catered to every single whim she could have had, and in my heart I know we took care of her to the absolute best of our ability. I wouldn’t change any of it, not even the slightest thing.

Sunday night I had a headache I couldn’t shake, and I couldn’t focus. We went out to dinner with a couple of friends to try and take our minds off everything.

I see the number to the hospital show up on my phone, I give it to Kh and she runs outside to answer it. A couple of seconds later she comes back in and signals for me to come out with her. She tells me Sophia’s heart had stopped and they want to give her a shot to make sure it won’t start again. We give the ok.

I gather my things and leave the bar. We walk home almost in a trance, shedding a few tears talking about her.

She went out the same way she lived her life, on her terms. She was the most stubborn, intelligent dog I’ve ever known. Through her I learned what it was like to care for someone more than yourself. I’m so very thankful I was able to spend her life with her, and experience what an amazing being she was.

It’s hard not to feel her absence every second of the day. We go through bouts of crying for an hour straight, to keeping it together for a few more hours. The mornings and nights are especially hard. We’re still leaving the bedroom door open for her and expecting to hear her tiptap around the bedroom at night.

I knew this day would come, as death takes us all, and I’m so thankful I was able to spend 11 more months with her. She’s left a hole in my heart that’ll never fully close.

You’ll be missed, my little peefoot. 

 xo

Currently :: two.nineteen.fourteen

Loving ://: The fact Kh just came into the room with another beer, handed it to me and said “This is your 4^th, just so you know.” Ok, so she’s not lying, I have been drinking for the past 3 hours, but it’s not like I’m doing keg stands in my living room. And I’m pretty much in my pajamas.. 

Also.. It’s Corona Light. I’m not going all 4 Guinness deep here. 

Other things I'm loving: my new shirt from Flunklife on Etsy. Leftover Christmas money spending sprees. Beating that level on Candy Crush I've been stuck on for weeks. Late afternoon naps. Honey mustard curry shrimp I made for dinner.

Not Loving So Much ://: The constant construction in the apartment below me is causing all the dust, paint fumes, and anything else that’s happening down there to get blown right up my heating vents into my apartment. It’s leaving a never-ending layer of dust on everything. I do mean absolutely everything. It’s driving me insane. And slowly causing my sinus issues to come back. For shits sake, enough.

Hating ://: Winter. Quite seriously. My seasonal depression is kicking in full swing. I hate the giant mounds of ever blackening snow, the slushy ice on the sidewalks that NO ONE seems to want to take responsibility for clearing away, and the never ending trail of salt that’s been tracked into my house.

Not to mention the fact I don’t ever want to leave my house once I’m inside. Going out to dinner? That means I have to find parking and walk out in this sludge again. No thanks. Goodbye any social life I may have been cultivating in the fall.

Other things on this list: people that call dibs on parking spots they never cleared in the first place. Dealing with clients. The Walking Dead season 4 not being FREE yet. 

Crop tops.

Oh.. and flower crowns. Because.. why?

Looking Forward To ://: My birthday’s next month, and while I really can’t stand my birthday, I’m planning on having a get together where some of my favorite people will hopefully come out for it. The most important of which is my bf from NYC. 

My newest etsy orders of customized perfumes to get here. 

I’m also really looking forward to bed, apparently.

Oh, and my tattoo appointment on Friday.

xo

i’ve been guided to the lightness of your touch and the quiet of your love

Oh, hi.

I'm pretty much the worst when it comes to Valentines Day. 

I always try and talk Kh out of doing something for Valentines Day.  It’s a bunch of confectionery sugar loaded crap in a heart shaped pattern. I’ve never been a big fan of it, so I’d rather gift her chocolate and love her every day of the year, except yesterday. She gets a disappointed look on her face and I feel like a jerk.

So we end up celebrating it. This year she nailed it, and will probably never be able to outdo herself. She got me a crystal ball, complete with a small wooden stand. It’s legit, and I’m obsessed. I couldn’t get a good picture of it so use your imagination.

We went to see Mortified with a couple of friends, and then went to our favorite local bar. It was low key and I was home by midnight. 

At least today we stopped by the store and grabbed some after Valentines Day candy. Although they were completely out of heart shaped Reese's.. 

 Three of those things didn't even make it until 8pm tonight.

Earlier in the week I was put in charge of making an appointment for my best friends little sister to get her first tattoo. I, naturally, took them to my tattoo artist. I’m not a big fan of traveling in packs to things like that, and between all of us there were 4 girls. My limit is generally one or flying solo. But it was a good time. My artist took great care of them, and I got to finally make my next appointment while we were there.

Afterwards we went out to eat, so it was pretty much the most eventful thing that happened to me all week. Last night not included.

Generally my life's been uneventful and not even remotely worthy of reporting on. Aside from work, work and a bit more work it’s been snowing like a bastard here lately. We get at least one-two snowstorms a week, and it feels like Winter is never-ending.

I once mentioned how I’ve never been one of those girls that can pull off the elements very well. And eh lately isn’t an exception. I generally don’t even try to do my hair unless I’m not working.

As I type this we’re getting pummeled with another snowstorm, and I’m really excited to be snowed in for another day. I get to try out a different pajama ensemble, break in a new spot on my couch, and find new excuses as to why I should fill my time with work.

Oh yeah, snowy Sunday, bring it on. 

xo